Staying Together For the Long Haul

Couples who have been together for a long time, often can’t imagine being alone.  Some of these couples really and truly love their partner, but as you can probably imagine that some of them know that it is easier to stay with their mate than to start over from the beginning with someone new.  They are just staying together for the comfort of each other.  We all probably know at least one couple where they are staying with each other for the comfort, and at least one couple who has been married for a long time who decides to start over and look for true love.  

Staying together and staying connected is difficult for every couple during at least one time in their relationship, and for a lot of couples it can seem like a nearly constant struggle.  What advice do you give to your friends who have been having a hard time staying together?  Should separation or divorce be an option, or is toughing it out in the best way to go?  

Read this story of a couple that I met, and tell me what you would recommend that they do.  

Ted and Sherry
Ted and Sherry have been married for about four years and both say that they are tired of marriage.  They have a two year old son, and they would love to be able to stay together to raise him with two parents there.  Right now, they don’t think that they will be able to last this long together, and wonder if they should separate now and try again at finding someone more compatible.  

Ted and Sherry both say that they have been totally faithful to each other and they admit that they do love each other, but they say that they aren’t in love with each other.  They fight and argue too much for their relationship to be healthy and happy.  

Now it’s your turn to help.  What do you think this couple should do?  You probably know at least one couple that has gone through something like this, and maybe it has happened to you.   Is staying together for the sake of a child a good idea?  Are all marriages worth saving or are some people better off being divorced?

Of course, in all cases of abuse the one that is being abused should definitely exit the relationship, but if there isn’t any abuse, is divorce (or separation) an option that you should consider?  Is it one that you have considered in your current or past relationships?  

I tell my clients that divorce is an option that they can consider.  There is nothing wrong with separating from their partner.  What I do tell them is that before they are successful in their relationship (either their current one that they aren’t satisfied with, or the next one which will inevitably have problems too), they have to learn the Intimacy Paradox.  

The Intimacy Paradox is a paradox that I have been teaching my private clients, and now I have been sharing it with couples who wouldn’t be able to see me privately in my newest book.  The Intimacy Paradox says that in order to have a great relationship (whether it is a marriage, dating, or any other type of relationship that you want to improve), you have to have 100% acceptance.  100% acceptance means that you need to accept your partner 100% for the way he or she is right now.  You can’t expect them to change, and you can’t expect them to want to change, because if you do, you will breed resentment into your relationship.  Not only do you have to accept your partner 100%, you have to accept the way that you are 100% for the way you are right now.  For some people accepting yourself is much more difficult than accepting your partner, but accepting both yourself and your partner is the key to success.  

Take a look at this couple.  Do you think that the Intimacy Paradox can help them?  What advice would you give them if they were a couple that you were friends with?

Theresa and Randy
This is both Theresa’s and Randy’s second marriage, and although they haven’t been married for very long, they already see many problems that they are having in their marriage, they had with the ex-spouses.  They are afraid that their second marriage is not going to last if they don’t break the cycle that they are in.

Are relationships that aren’t healthy in cycles, repeating the same mistakes and problems over and over again?  What would you recommend that Theresa and Randy do?  Can your past affect your future?

The answer to the last questions is ‘absolutely’.  We each have built a plan of how we want our marriages and relationships to run.  I call this plan the Marriage Blueprint, and there are eight different main Marriage Blueprint types.  This blueprint is based on how we watched our parents, friends and what we experienced in our own relationships.  For example, if your parents got divorced when you were young, you may tell yourself that you won’t do the same thing.  This belief will get strengthened (or weakened over time) with observations and experience.  

If you want to find out which of the Marriage Blueprints that you and your husband believe in, here are the traits that each of the groups believe on when talking about staying together.

Wild Things are pretty much like their name implies: wild.  They are pretty laid back people, but also very passionate.  If you are a wild thing, you will be loyal to your partner as long as they want to have fun.

Blissmates want to have their experiences with their partner, so if one of them loses interest in the other, the relationship will end pretty quickly.  They want to experience life with their partner as much as possible.

If you are a Pilgrim, your partner (if he or she isn’t a pilgrim) as well, may find you too lonely and too independent of a person.  This can make your partner think that you don’t care about the relationship enough, even if you are totally committed to it.  

Family is the most important thing to the Big Heart Family.  If a Big Heart Family is thinking abut separation, they will think about how it will affect the family, and how it will change the way that their family survives.  Big heart families are usually loyal to their partners, and usually have a lot of love to spread around.  

Pioneers have a duty to a cause, and spend their life trying to further their cause.  Relationships to pioneers can either be as important to the cause or not as important.  If you want to know if you are likely to stay together, you need to find out which is the most important.

Visionaries are really close-knit, and tend to have a cause or a vision for what they are working for.  Visionaries want someone to live their life with, so staying together is often not a problem if both of the partners are visionaries.  

The Golden Rule Family believes in fairness, so staying together will only happen if they think that it is the right thing to do, and fair for everyone involved.  

The Royal Family is very concerned how they look to others, so often they will stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship just to save their face.  

What Marriage Blueprint are you?  Which one is your husband (wife)?  Share your stories, tips and experiences with staying together (or not staying together) with us!

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Get the relationship advice that is positive, powerful and respectful of you by Dr. Max at www.askdoctormax.com

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