Author: http://www.askdoctormax.com
Introduction
If you were asked to describe your level of intimacy with your spouse or partner how would you do it? What some people would describe as not really all that intimate after years of being together, other people would consider too risqué. Individual views of how to express intimacy vary greatly, but the core of intimacy is always the same: a deep connection between people where both feel known, loved and accepted. What do you define as intimate? Are sex and intimacy the same thing or are they different? Is your level of sex and intimacy the same level as your partners, or does one of you want more than the other?
Take a look at this couple, and see if their relationship is similar or different to yours. Do you think that they can fix their intimacy level? What would you recommend that they do? Often, just looking at the problem from a different angle or with a different technique will help to make things clearer.
Sam and Tracey
At the beginning of their relationship, Sam and Tracey had the perfect sex life and were intimate and romantic with each other in every way. Sam and Tracey are very successful people, their house is in the right neighborhood, their two children go to private schools and they have nice friends. At the beginning of their marriage, when other couples saw them, they would usually feel a bit jealous, because they could see the attraction and the fireworks between them. Over time, the spark faded a bit, but they weren’t concerned, because they thought that it was just a part of getting used to their marriage and life together.
When they went to their 15 year high school reunion, they were really shocked at how many of the people that they knew growing up were either on their second or even third marriages. Sam told about how his best friend from high school had been married and divorced within two years of meeting the woman. His friend said that he just got bored with the monotony and had an affair.
After they got home from the party, Sam told Tracey about his friend having an affair. Tracey started to wonder about Sam and herself. Their level of intimacy and sex drives had declined, what is to keep Sam from not straying?
When talking to Sam and Tracey about their beliefs, I wanted to know what their marriage blueprints were, and how some of their beliefs on intimacy and sex were formed. Now, no one really wants to admit it, but the way that our parents treated each other and shared their intimacy has a huge effect on how we end up as adults.
So how did Sam and Tracey form some of their beliefs? Well, Sam’s parents have been, according to him, happily married for ever, and were always affectionate and loving with each other. He said that growing up, he always felt safe and sound with his family. Tracey on the other hand had parents who got divorced during her freshman year of college. After the divorce, she found out that her parents had decided three years before to stay together until she went off to college.
The Intimacy Paradox
What’s advice would you give to this couple? Have you experienced something similar? Well, for many couples, problems can be solved as easily as the Intimacy Paradox.
One concept that I have shared with my private clients for years, and now I am sharing with people who can’t come and see me in person is that the basis of having a great marriage can be achieved if you accept yourself 100% and your partner 100% for who they are. You don’t have to change who you are to have a great marriage, and you trying to change your partner won’t work and may end up having them resent you. The key is to accept the difference in the way that others grow up and form their beliefs. Tracy can’t change the way that her parent’s relationship went, and Sam can’t fault her for it either.
People are confused about intimacy and sex. Why? Because there sometimes is a huge difference between what we want, what we have, and what we learned growing up. What type of intimacy and sex do most people want in their marriage? If you ask many married people, most will name a romantic movie and tell you that they want this type of relationship. If you ask them what type of marriage they have now, in regards to sex, it usually doesn’t measure up.
Tracy grew up in a household where her mother and father stayed together just for the sake of her. On one side of it, she respects her parents for putting her first, but at the same time, she hopes she never has her parents’ relationship. Tracy has a conflict between what she experienced in her life, and what she believes that a marriage should be.
Religion, our upbringing, the way that other relationships have gone, our parents and our friends can all affect the way that we view sex and intimacy. Can you think of ways that these factors affect your current relationship? Are there any other factors that have helped you to form your beliefs that you value today? If you grew up thinking sex was dirty, chances are, your opinion hasn’t changed much over time (or it has changed so radically, that your family would be in shock if they knew).
How can you change the level or intenseness of intimacy in your marriage? If you want to know the secret to understanding what makes your marriage unique and possible, the secret may be in your Marriage Blueprint. We each have a blueprint that shows the way that we view many of the things that are important in a marriage. This marriage blueprint is built from the time we are a child, and is changed and revised constantly by what we see, observe and experience.
The Marriage Blueprint
We can change beliefs, and it really isn’t difficult to do if you really want to change them. What you are going to have to do is identify the belief. Write them down, and then write down the way that you want to feel. You are going to try to replace the old belief with the new one. Then, you are going to find proof that will validate the new belief. If Tracy wants to change the belief that the level of intimacy isn’t as high, she is going to look for instances where Sam and her share intimate moments on a regular basis. She’s going to program her mind to find these instances instead of the instances where they act cold towards each other.
What can your Marriage Blueprint tell you about the way that you view intimacy and sex? Actually, it can tell you a lot. Now, not everyone fits 100% into one of the 8 different categories, but for the majority of people, you can find one or two categories that describe the majority of their beliefs and personality.
What Type are You?
Here is what your Marriage Blueprint says about sex and intimacy. Couples don’t have to have the same marriage type to have a successful relationship, and sometimes the conflict and differences between two totally opposite types can work to spice up their marriage. You just have to be committed to accepting your partner for it to work.
If you are a Wild Thing, there are no rules in your bedroom, and you want freedom. You’re open to trying new things and experimenting that would make couples who aren’t Wild Things blush. Of course, you want your partner to do the same, and in this relationship, anything goes in this relationship, and restricting the freedom really can cause a problem.
Blissmates are also a bit more exploratory in the bedroom, but they are really happy and satisfied doing the exploration with their partner. Blissmates want to do everything together, and are really happy sharing the world with each other in bed and out of it.
Pilgrims are really dedicated to something in their life, but sex and intimacy isn’t usually one of those things. Pilgrims are often very spiritual people, so sometimes the way that they grew up and their religion affects their beliefs. Religion can affect the way that people view sex; and cause a big rift between people of different beliefs.
If you or your partner has the marriage blueprint of the Big Heart Family，you may not have time and energy after spending it with the family to have sex. You are warm and open hearted naturally, so there are some sparks in you; but often you use up your energy doing other things.
Pioneers often are thinking about other things, and don’t have a lot of time to think about sex. Pioneers often give 100% for a belief that they care for, and so they often think about that instead of intimacy.
If you have an easy intimacy with your partner, you might be Visionaries. The Visionary Marriage Blueprint for intimacy often view sex as something that unites them and makes them close.
If your belief system follows the Golden Rule Family, your intimacy and sex with your partner will usually follow the golden rule. Do onto others, as you would have them do onto you. You are nice and care about the way that your partner feels.
Power is the biggest turn on for The Royal Family. What is probably important about sex to you, is the way that sex appears to you and your partner. Usually the thought of sex is more exciting than the sex itself.
If you and your partner have different Marriage Blueprints (and therefore, probably have different views on sex and intimacy), how do you make your marriage work? What happens if someone wants to try something, and the other is reluctant?
Well, the answer is in the Intimacy Paradox. You have to accept the other person 100% and accept yourself 100% the way you are today. No changing yourself or your partner. How do you and your partner work out your differences in levels of intimacy or sex? Do you accept your partner for who they are, or are you always trying to change them? Trying my advice that has worked for other couples for years is a great way to change your marriage really quickly. Oh, and share the great results with us here!
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